In 2013, I was diagnosed with severe aortic valve regurgitation. It meant my main heart valve was in not a good condition. This news was no less than a disaster for me as I saw my life start to fall apart.

Although this problem was there for 6-7 years but I got to know about it in 2013. Soon after the diagnosis, the problems started to appear which included shortened breath, chest pain,  and irregular heartbeat.
By the time the illness escalated, I had lost all hope for life. I was soon put on the ventilator for oxygen support as I was unable to breathe on my own. Moreover, I could not even walk nor eat. Someone who was once an active healthy human being was now reduced to hospital bed and was entirely dependent on the support of others to perform daily life tasks.

All of this led to doctors saying that an Open-Heart Surgery is the last straw left to save my life. When I finally made up my mind and got on the track towards the betterment through Heart Surgery, the results of my Endosocopy hit me a like sharp arrow that pierced through my body. The result showed the development of Duodenal ulcer. Due to the ulcer, it became impossible for the doctors to even think about the surgery. It was finally decided by the medical team that first, they will treat the ulcer and then move on to surgery.

Because of all this happening, I was already very devasted and destroyed. The concept of life seemed like a far fetched thought. The dreams which I once saw and always wanted to achieve now had started to haunt me. Though I was still alive for the world around but deep down inside it seemed as if    I had lost everything. No one really consoled me, not a single sentence of motivation. All those who visited just said, “Ye itni si umar mein kya gham de diya hai Allah ne.”

“Open-Heart Surgery” is in no way an easy word to digest. The thought of it flooded adrenaline in my system. My stomach turned to ice as the final day approached. The terror of laying down on a bed in operation theatre held me like a vice-like grip. And the thought “What If I do not wake up after the surgery” sucked the very breath out of my mouth. I was not frightened nor was I was afraid. What I felt was beyond such mere nouns.

I was surviving on just a little spark of hope. The day arrived. After agreeing to the exclusion clauses and reading the required information I was laid down on the stretcher and taken to the operation theatre. Could have been the last time seeing my loved ones. It was all quite. A cold wave embalmed me as the hair rose on the back of my neck and my mouth ran dry. Fear became a tangible, living force that crept over me like some hungry beast, immobilizing me; my brain, holding me captive. Pulse beating my ear blocked out all the other sounds. At last, the suspense, fear, and tension all disappeared when I was anesthetized and my eyes shut down.

Miraculously, I woke up! Something for which I will be always grateful. The post-surgery pain and the stay in ICU and Double ICU is something I can never forget. The beep sound of the monitor still plays in mind. The gloomy environment and sad faces of the patients and their attendants still come in front of my eyes. A whole different world there is inside the walls of the hospital.It took me 3 months to get back to normal, in that time frame I was assisted by my mother to take a shower and do other tasks. But soon after the recovery, I was diagnosed with clinical depression. By 2015 my panic attacks increased to such an extent that I was rushed to hospital emergency at midnight.

It’s been 4 years now that I am fighting with heart disease and depression. Trust me, It is not easy. The weird amalgamation of depression and heart disease leaves you in place. It cripples me, freezing every muscle of my body. The problems did not stop here, when I thought that everything was over I was diagnosed with a degenerative valve which means that the replaced valve has started to degenerate. And this time it is worse. The commute between the hospital and my home has increased.

Despite all of this, I’ve not given up yet. I’m so grateful to Allah for every breath. I love myself that I’m so strong I have fought it all. I have won the battles and I am sure and faithful that I will win the war! I have learned to live in the present, to enjoy the present because I believe

“Kal ki fikar kyun karein, jab kal kisi ne dekha hi nahi?”

 

I’m living everyday with a new hope. In real life, you will find me funny. I make everyone happy with my jokes.

“Jo paas hai wo jeelo.” 

My mental illness isn’t getting better but I’m fighting to do everything that I can do to make it better. But I am not hopeless.  Don’t give up guys never ever. It was hope that made so powerful today. I’m so strong and proud of myself. Love you x

In this whole situation, the most painful thing besides my illness is the taunts of the people around me. When people around me say,

“Koi masla nahi hai issay, dunya mein kya heart patients nahi hain? Ya issay koi anokhi beemari lag gaye hai.”

These taunts are definitely heart-wrenching. Yes, they affected me at first but now I just don’t bother listening to them, I have my own life and I am the only captain of it.

I have had 6 episodes of anxiety attacks up until now leading to brain strokes. The last one happened on 20th September 2019. I could barely walk but now I am all backup. It happens, I have got used to it because I am all determined to fight. I always say to my self that In Sha Allah, I’ll be fine again!

Alhamdulillah at the moment I am fine again. Everything is good but not perfect. Perfection does not always guarantee happiness. Be happy in whatever you have. I always thankful to my parents for standing by my side in every thick and thin.

Do not give up. Giving up should not be the option. Today is hard tomorrow will be harder but the day after tomorrow everything will be alright!

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